My travels pt. 1

I am used to travel disasters. Getting delayed, bumped, rerouted, accused of being a terrorist, a drug smuggler or even jus the “random” check. The past 12 hours have been insane. I am writing this from London where I am currently delayed (I will be posting this when I get to Israel… which I hope will be soon)

It all started in Toronto. I checked in 24 hours in advance to make sure I didn’t get the crappy middle seat. I had windows both on the way to London and to Israel. Check in was quick. However, when the perky check-in lady (in her soft Irish accent) that “everything is on time!” I knew something was going to go wrong. I boarded the plane, sitting next to a woman that was from country that they don’t speak English (I learned soon that she was from Romania) and I realized that this would mean it would be a quiet flight. No forced conversations. In front of me was a couple flying to India, and behind me one to London and one to India. The olderman sitting behind me (who was going to India) was about the same hight as my Bobba. Less than 5 feet tall, perfectly tied turban and a budda belly (we’ll get back to him later) As we are all sitting down and safely stowing our tray tables, the first announcement came:


“Hello Ladies and Gents!,” said the overly excited BA Steward. “Glad you’re hear with us today. As you can feel it’s a bit hot here in the back part of the cabin. We apologize for that. Everything will be fine once we get going. We are just going to board the last passenger then we are going to leave!” This was at 18:20, we were supposed to depart at 18:25.

Ok fine. It’s hot. But who is this last passenger and why aren’t they on yet? Got a connection to catch… Then signal that another announcement was coming….

(It is now 18:40)
“BONG”
“Hello there again Ladies and Gents. We are just having some trouble with the hydrolics of the left engine. But don’t worry, we are going to have that fixed. Our engineers are working on it and as soon as that is fixed we will be off!”

Now the lady beside me had no idea what was going on. So I had to tell her (using my acting skills) what was happening using hand motions and shadow puppets. (Ok, no shadow puppets, however how cool would that have been?)


19:00

“BONG”
“Hello there Ladies and Gents,” (he was still bubbly, but not as bubbly from when we started this game close to an hour prior.) “Sorry about all these shenanigans. The engineers are working on the engine. We are not sure if this plane is going to leave tonight. We have 2 other BA planes leaving tonight so if you look out your right window you will see the large jumbo jet that will accoomidate everone. We are just waiting to hear what we should do. Thank you for your patience.”


Now. At this point I was not amused. They were cutting into my connection time…

19:10
Then, in order to offset a riot, the BA staff started to hand out drinks and snacks. Really it was a choice of water or OJ and a baby bag of pretzels….


19:15
“BONG”
“Hello there. If you are currently on your mobile calling British Airways to make sure you get on the next flight, PLEASE HANG UP. You are slowing down our process of booking you on a new flight. This does not mean that you should get off the plane. We are still not sure, However, please hang up your phones.”

Now. I don’t speak Romanian. Infact, nobody did. Try explaing this to the woman who speak no English.

19:20

The natives get restless.

Everyone is talking to eachtoher. Plotting their own revenge on BA. Everyone takes a pact NEVER to take BA again.

Romanian lady offers me cookies. I politely decline.

19:30

“BONG”

“PLEASE SIT DOWN. We are just waiting to hear from cutoms and immigration if we can let you off the plane. Our engineers are still working on the plane. However, the airconditioning is now fixed.”


20:00

We begin to notice that all the expensive seat people are now disembarked. They didn’t tell us. We then begin to gather our stuff only to be yelled at.

“LADIES AND GENTELMAN. PLEASE SIT DOWN. WE ARE DISEMBARKING BY CABIN. WE WILL GET TO YOURS. YOU WILL GET ONTO THE NEXT FLIGHT. THE ONE OUT THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE PLANE. YOU WILL FLY IN THE JET BESIDE US. THERE IS ROOM FOR EVERYONE. ALL YOURS MEALS ARE BEING TRANSFERRED. DON’T WORRY, YOU WILL ALL GET FED.”

This time, the Romanian looks at me for translation, I do something with my hands. She nods. Then starts poiting to her leg. NOBODY has a clue what she is talking about. The Indian couple infront of me start trying to understand this woman (or talk to her in English with their thick Indian-accented English- I’ll call it “In”glish. Still no help. Then we try the flight attendent. The perky blonde who probably listed “To see the world!” as her reason for wanting to work for BA had no idea what she was saying. The little man behind me is now kicking my seat. I think it’s just because he can’t reach the floor, I decide to just ignore it. The rest of us play a game called “Who is going to make their connection and who is just royally screwed.” Everyone was in agreement that IF we took off ontime on our soon to be new flight AND flew fast I could make it. I was doubtful.

20:15

Ok, you all can move off. Please have your boarding pass. We then wait in line. Everyone is trying to be the “Most screwed.” Now, back to the Romanian lady. So, one of the people that we were inline with just couldn’t take it anymore. He works in London and one of his workers is origionally from Romania. He calls him (in London) the lady now smiles, knows whats going on and everything s fine. So we continue to play the game. The small buddah like man points to the girl beside us and says, “Her’s is worst. She is to be married on the 13th.” We all stare. “Wait, THIS Saturday…. I’m shure you will get to London,” I say “No, India. I have to fly to London, then to Delhi THEN it’s a 7 hour drive away.” We all realize at this moment that she will show up at her wedding straight from the airport. We try and cheer her up. We make sure she gets to the front of the line- never to see her again. I finally get to the line “Ms. I need to get to Tel Aviv because of the Sabbath I know that this delay isn’t your fault, but I can’t fly on the Sabbath.” The BA lady says “Don’t worry, I know about Shabbat, I am part of the ganze mushpucha.” I get my ticket. Nonody knows what will happen to me when we get to London, but I decide to press on.

20:35
I get on the plane. I am stuck in the middle. I friggen checked in 24 hours in advance to make sure I didn’t get screwed this way. Fine. I sit down.

9:00

We take off.

Woman beside me goes to sleep. She is a “kicker.” I want to crawl out the window.

Dinner time.

Hello Ms. You ordered a special meal, right?
“yes, Kosher.”
“Oh, will vegigtarian do?”
“no”
“Let me go check to make sure that I have this right.”


(5 min pass)

“I don’t have any kosher meals left. Will the vegetrarion do?”
“NO.”

Oh.

She then walks off.

I am hungry. I want to eat my arm. No food. The man said I’d have food. I booked my meal almost a year ago. I am pissed. I’ll have a(nother) drink.

Time to sleep
(kick, elbow, elbow.)

Ok, no sleeping.

Breakfast

Would you like breakfast Miss?

My meal never made it on the plane.

Oh.

Sir, would you like breakfast… (totally ignoring me or the fact that I am hungry….)

10:00 am (London)

Finally landed… now to figure out my flight to TLV….

More on that soon….

(No spell checks, sorry…)